Psychobabble
by typewriter junkie
Summary: To them it's just psychobabble, but it actually means something. If you listen to it the right way, it makes sense...to me...' a one shot from River's POV. MAY CONTAIN OOC!


Psychobabble

Summary: 'To them it's just psychobabble, but it actually means something. If you listen to it the right way, it makes sense...to me...'

I'm in the cargo bay. Kaylee and Jayne don't see me. He throws a leather ball into the air, playing catch with himself, and she gives the wrench another turn. I'm lying flat on my back on the guard-railed catwalk above them, staring straight at the ceiling of Serenity and listening to them talk. They think I'm in my bunk, sleeping off some medication Simon gave me. They think I can't hear them, but I can. I can hear every word.

"Don't you feel sorry for River sometimes?" she says.

"That little piece of _gos se_?" he replies.

"Jayne! That ain't nice! River's a dear heart and a joy to have here." she scolds back.

"Why would I feel sorry for her? Hell, why would I care what 'appened to her? She ain't part of the crew." He subsides playing catch, reaching for an apple that's next to him, just within his grasp. He breaks the bright red skin and chews on its sweet white meat.

"Look at all the poor girl. She's had the Alliance playing with her brain like it was a favorite toy. How would you like it if you saw things you didn't want to and felt pain that wasn't yours?" she asks him.

"I don' know." he says, taking another bite of his apple. "Doc said they took somethin' outta her brain, somethin' startin' with an 'm'. Feels everythin' now, accordin' to him." he says. I knew that. Simon said that on Ariel, when he was looking at 3-D pictures of my brain.

"They stuck needles in her head..." Kaylee whispers. How did she know that? Did Simon tell her? Maybe, seeing as they were...bad thoughts, **bad thoughts.**

Nothing in the 'verse can stop me from remembering my memories of the Academy.

_"Now River, this'll only hurt a bit."_

_"No, no more needles. They make things come back. They scare me."_

_"Nothing's going to happen."_

_"NO!"_

_"River, do as you're told."_

"NO!" I scream. Kaylee and Jayne look up at my hiding place. My cover is blown.

"River?" Kaylee asks. I run faster than a scared rabbit out of the cargo hold, past the infermery, past my bunk, and into the kitchen. Captain's there. He looks at me in a surprised way. I can't say I blame him.

"_Liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh bun ur-tze._" I say without wanting to. I didn't mean to go to the kitchen. I was aiming for the bathroom. I can hear Captain mumbling,

"She's been listening to Jayne too much."

It's not that I like cussing. I want to smile and live like I once did. Happy and carefree. I know that there's something out there for me. I just have to go out and find it. But how does that happen when I'm stuck in a tin can in the middle of the 'verse with the Alliance after me and Simon squabbling and acting like a mother hen?

I go over to one of the drawers and open it. I stare at all the canned foods inside of it. Everything seems to spin. Only the cans stay steady. It all stops. I look up, and I'm back in the lab, I see myself with a needle in my forehead.

I'm about to scream, but just then I blink. I'm back in Serenity's kitchen, looking at the cans. I begin to take some out. Captain watches me.

"You hungry, girl?" he asks. I don't answer.

"These are the ones...I take you..." I mumble. Here I go. I begin tearing off some of the labels.

"These are the ones reaching, and pulling, and grabbing, and doing whatever they want!" I spit at them and crush a few of the crackers with my fist.

"Don't act so innocent, you're guilty too! I see you, stop playing hide-and-seek! You're waiting for my springs to break, aren't you? **Aren't you?** You're waiting to find me lying in the dust, crying, and you'll take me back to your needles! I'll take you before then, I'll stuff you into your own chairs, and feed you the same food you've been feeding me! I'd spit it out, but I can't, I can't do anything anymore! I can't think or hear or breathe! You put this snake around me, and now it won't let go! It won--"

"Shut up, girl!" someone says. next thing I know, Jayne's fleshy hand is on my mouth, Simon is holding my waving hands, and Captain's looking at what's left of the food I took out. Peaches are swimming in their juice on the floor, crackers are nothing but crumbs scattered along the counter, several jars are shattered, labels swim with the peaches, the cans are everywhere. Apparantly I threw them. I see a bump on the side of Jayne's head. Kaylee's eyes are wide with shock, and Inara's are the same. Wash is staring at the food with Captain. Zoe is looking me straight in the eye. I don't know what's happened, because for awhile I saw a large blur and I heard only the sound of my voice.

Captain looks at Simon.

"She was talking _fei hua_ again." I give Captain a cold look. At least as cold as I could manage, seeing as my face was slowly turning red because of the weight and thickness of Jayne's hand. It was covering not only my mouth, but my nose as well. It wasn't very easy to breathe.

I was angry, and you could see it. I was tired of people calling everything I said 'nothing but _fei hua_.' To them it's just psychobabble, but it actually means something. If you listen to it the right way, it makes sense...to me.

"I aw ei oowa!" I try to say, but I only get out the vowels. It's supposed to mean "It's not _fei hua_!"

They all just see the broken toy of me. The soldier who died in battle. I just wish they could see that I'm still here.

--

chinese translations

_gos se_: shit

_Liou coe shway duh biao-tze huh hoe-tze duh bun ur-tze_: stupid son of a drooling whore and monkey

_fei hua_: nonsense

i hope it wasn't ooc. tell me if it was.

reviews are nice! review! and possibly some constructive criticism. POINTLESS FLAMES MAKE ME MAD!

REKKASHINEN!

:disappears in a cloud of fire:


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